Part of the Process

I'm about to return to Seattle for the first time since I left nine months ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's this whole process we go through in order to leave a place - many of us have 'left' before and know this process well. We packed up bags and boxes...gave some stuff away and put other stuff in storage...maybe just got rid of everything but a backpack...quit a job...said goodbye to some friends and 'talk to you soon' to others...finished out a lease...made promises to keep in touch...felt uncertain and sad, excited and filled with anticipation. Sometimes we have a plan (what's that?!) and sometimes we just throw caution to the wind and trust that we'll come to rest where ever instinct, luck, opportunity or good fortune directs us. True, sometimes we rest only after a very challenging take-off, bumpy flight and crash landing - but there are usually moments - if only fleeting - that we think, 'okay, here I am.'

So here I am.

Here I sit in my new apartment in my new state with my new (used) car sitting in the driveway with my new state's license plates that I just drove home from a class regarding my newest passion and just got off the phone with one of my new friends that I am blessed to know in my new life. That's a whole lot of new-ness. And that's absolutely what I was looking for when I left Seattle. I crave uncertainty and anticipation. Of course, security and reflection aren't so bad when they swing around either - but uncertainty and excitement are definitely attributes that I continue to gravitate toward in my life.

It's interesting to consider that, with the exception (hopefully) of our home and family, everything is uncertain in our youth. Everything is encountered with curiosity and fascination and excitement. As adults, we often find humor in this constant discovery...but sometimes forget that there is always something for us to discover, too - no matter how redundant or routine life becomes in our quest for security.

As with most things in nature, this rhythm of new and old, beginning and end, anticipation and reflection is cyclic. We are constantly making choices that affect these patterns...but they are constantly in motion.

Along with this idea, I'm starting to develop an awareness that there is a process for returning to a place you once were. Those old things you stored or gave away...the old apartments...the old jobs...the old friends...all the old stuff is still there somewhere. And every time I am about to return to a place, I wonder if the old me might still be there, too. Am I returning to the old insecurities? Old relationships? Old patterns or habits? Will all this great new stuff I've learned about myself and about life simply disappear into the clouds as my plane makes its way North and West?

I don't think so. Not this time. I realize now that all of these little processes are part of a much bigger process. And this bigger process is ongoing and constantly evolving...so that we never feel secure anywhere but in our own skin...so that we carry home in our hearts rather than the structures we build to keep the rest of the world out...so that we may always find delight in the small things we never before noticed in the most familiar places.

But what happens when instinct, opportunity, choice or good fortune throw a little bit of uncertainty and anticipation into the circumstance of 'the return'? Hhhmmm...I'll let you know my thoughts on that in a few days!